Sailor Dildo
by BigMammaLlama5
Summary: Elsa has a dream. *Ice Man AU before Freak, kinda out there and word vomity but amusing to me at the very least, M for language and suggestive themes


**I don't even know what this is.**

**Don't ask questions, just… I needed to get all my weirdness out. And it was worth it. Fueled by Texts From Last Night and random thoughts between my beta and I. We're some odd ducks.**

…**Though at one point she rated this on a scale of **_**Boo, you whore**_** to **_**Awe yeah mutha fucka**_** at a solid 7, also known as **_**What the fuck, are you drinking shampoo**_**.**

**M for some strong language and adult themes just to be safe. Also in the Ice Man AU before **_**Freak**_**.**

**I've also decided to do the tumblr thing again, there's a link on my profile if you're curious. I post art for my stories and fan art for other authors if I have the time. I will also be posting a finalized edit of The Ice Man there as I work through it.**

Sailor Dildo

The chilly, early February Monday was not exactly the kind of weather Elsa had in mind for the day. The wet snow had driven her inside, much to her disappointment. The cold didn't bother her, it was that her feet were going to get soaked, and wet feet made her grouchy. She had really craved a run through Hyde Park today but that obviously wasn't going to happen. Of course her sister had offered to go to the gym with her, but it wasn't the same. Running on a treadmill made her feel like she was on a hamster wheel. And the gym just stank in general. All sweat and testosterone and the greasiness from the weights and equipment… Not to mention the jacked-up _bros_that practically sweated testosterone. Fresh air and moving scenery and the lack of wandering eyes on her bum was just so much more desirable. So Elsa gave up and retreated to her favorite little nook, a small family owned coffee and book shop over by LBS with a wonderful view of the Boating Lake in Regent's Park. In her last year of Undergrad, the blonde had heard of the little place in passing. She had been looking for a new location to study in since the Library had finally lost its appeal. The very next day Elsa had tracked down _Le Petit Livret_ and fell in love. It quickly became her favorite place to go with its homey atmosphere that reminded her of her and Anna's grandparent's house, the adorable aging couple that ran the place, the quirkiness of the little knick-knacks and mismatched books, the overstuffed chairs, and the soft quiet of music over the gentle sounds of the lazy coffee shop in the front of the shop. She had claimed a chair in one of the far corners and part of the small circular coffee table in front of it. There was just one other chair but usually it was just Elsa on her own.

"How are you holding up, dearie?"

Elsa looked up from rubbing her face in her hands as she tried to recite an equation into remembrance. The portly little woman standing next to her table with a metal coffee carafe looked down on her kindly, her warm brown eyes twinkling merrily.

"Oh, Gerda! I… I'm getting there." The blonde smiled, rising to her feet and giving the shorter woman a tight hug.

For the past three years that she had been regularly visiting the shop Elsa had grown quite attached to Gerda and her husband of thirty-five years, Kai. Gerda herself was from Norway, but had stayed in London when she met the British man who stole her heart. As she would say. They were a neat couple, heavily into all aspects of the arts as well as the more academic debates and would often challenge student's theories and help them form their own. When Elsa had asked why such accomplished people decided to run a coffee and book store, Kai had bluntly told her that coffee beans don't spout idiocy.

"Well if you need anything, just let us know."

"Do you have a spare brain?" Elsa joked weakly, plopping back down onto her seat as the salt and pepper haired woman chuckled.

"I'm afraid not, but I'll keep an eye out for one."

Elsa muttered a quiet _thanks_ and watched the sixty-three year old continue on with her rounds. It was still just barely after two in the afternoon, so the blonde reasoned that she could stay until five or maybe six before heading on home. She _had_ been there since about eight-thirty that morning with a short lunch break to let her furry companion out. Her Monday Schedules were oddly light, with the Professor choosing to give them every other Monday off so they could catch up and get real world experience. Elsa had never heard of that happening before, but apparently it was for a personal routine that had been established for years and the University had just happened to switch the schedule this spring. She wasn't complaining though, it helped her stay on top of her heavy workload.

The striking young woman rubbed vigorously at her tired face and mumbled some words of encouragement to herself under her breath. She gave herself no other choice but to bury herself back in her notes and flashcards, fighting against the mental fatigue that plagued her. Before she knew it, her conscious was slipping and Elsa had nodded off.

* * *

Elsa awoke with a start, the castle rumbling around her. Massive tombs of multicolored books were flapping and flying off the shelves that stretched to the ceiling, screeching and yelling obscenities as they flopped to the floor or careened through the air.

"Oh _do_ shut up, you didn't have to act like this all the time, you know." She snapped dryly at the books, swooping her hair back into a perfect windswept braid.

"_The sky is falling! The sky is falling!"_

"_No it isn't, you twatwaffle!"_

"_Yes it is, the banana told me it would on a third Tuesday!"_

"_Today's WEDNESDAY, you useless walnut!"_

The blonde leapt from her feet and bolted out the door, paying no mind to the kerfuffle in the library as she rushed to get to her desired location. Students were sprinting about in varying states of undress, black robes flapping about ankles and ties bouncing against bare chests. Togas and booty shorts and neon muumuus were also popular choices of wardrobe. A slew of familiar faces from her classes passed her by bellowing the infamous Hogwarts school song to the tune of _Don't Cha_ by the Pussy Cat Dolls. Dragons ranging from the size of small cats to huge stallions roamed the vast rainbow colored marble corridors as well, ushering students to class and huffing about detentions that involved lots of chocolate and peanut butter in uncomfortable places. Elsa sped on, intent on getting to her destination while wondering why she was dressed in a skimpy sailor outfit under her robes instead of her usual tutu and swim suit. The skirt said Slytherin green, but the tie said Ravenclaw blue. It was so racy she was certain that a good number of strippers wouldn't get caught in it with how much bare skin was showing… but it troubled her not. Her white gogo boots clacked against the stone and Anna popped up beside her in a similar outfit. Anna's then boyfriend Kristoff appeared right next to the red head… _also_ in a similar outfit, though with a punched-out top hat and a bright green goatee. Both wore impressive baby-pink tutus that bounced merrily to an obscene degree with their running gates.

"Tutu Brigade reporting! The trophy room is free of butt plugs and unicycles, all other parts have been replaced or put to order! We still need an new order of gravy though."

"What about the dewy donks? Have they been shaved yet?"

"Hans is doing that right now!"

Elsa followed her sister's pointed finger with a pink-jeweled fingernail out the window and nodded in acceptance when the tutu and Speedo-clad German chased after a furry looking beast with a pair of electric razors. As he passed by he shouted _SWAG TIME, BITCHES_ and people around him echoed his yell.

"Good. Now I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will make men fear me."

"Awww but what about the mud party?"

Elsa stopped and adjusted Anna's tutu. "Your body is a temple. Do you _really_ want a bunch of dicks in your temple?"

"Hey! Sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry! Gotta work with whatcha got."

"_Augh_. Fine… Just no… purple drinks. Okay?"

"Whatevah whatevah I do what I wawnt."

The red head sassily snapped her fingers in a z-formation and galloped away, Kristoff in tow with his tutu fluttering girlishly around his tapered hips. She hadn't noticed it when they were next to her, but Kristoff had princess fairy wings strapped to his broad muscular back. Elsa clapped her hands together once and exclaimed an enthusiastic _OKAY!_ and began her wild run with vigor. She hadn't made it very far when a living snowman barreled into her, his twiggy arms wrapping around her bare knees and his carrot nose poking in a most indecent place.

"Elllllsaaaaaaaa. You _said_ you'd help me melt yesterday!"

"Not now, Olaf. I have to go ride a porcupine across the great lake so I can buy pearls from the squid."

"You _promised_." He turned his misshapen head up to look her square in the eye and rested his barely-there chin on her abdomen. Elsa couldn't feel the cold that he was supposed to be exuding.

"What if I get Gaston. No one melts like Gaston. Will that work?"

The snowy creature reluctantly released her and stepped back with a few squishy steps, pointing his twiggy arm at her.

"_Deal_. But only if you do me next time."

Elsa rolled her eyes dramatically and made a gesture of agreement. Before Olaf could say any more, a huge man of bronzed skin and chiseled muscle had driven both of his heavily booted feet into the snowman in a perfectly executed flying kick. The sad snowman flew unceremoniously out of the window with a screech. The barbaric looking man was clad only in bulky leather boots that climbed to his knees and a kind of leather bikini like ancient peoples wore. He also had two bright yellow swords strapped to his hips, closely cropped dark hair, a clean shaven face, and scars that criss-crossed his body and circled his right eye.

"GREETINGS, DOMINA. I HAVE RESCUED YOU FROM THE CREATURE."

"And who the fuck are you?"

"IT IS I."

"Okay, I, what do you want?"

"NO DOMINA, NOT I. ME. IT IS ME."

"Okaaay… _Me_, what is it you want? I am very busy."

"NO, APPOLOGIES, I AM NOT ME, BUT I."

Elsa grouched in frustration at the man with the deep booming voice and raspy texture that sent shivers down her spine even at the inane volume.

"WHAT ARE YOU CALLED, YOU IMBICILE?!"

"I AM CRIXUS, THE UNDEFEATED GAUL. I AM A GLADIATOR. I AM YOUR SWORD AND STEED."

"Steed you say? Excellent. Kneel before me, my minion."

"AS YOU COMMAND, DOMINA."

The overly-serious and bellowing man knelt before her and placed his hands on his knees, his mouth turned down in a posturing frown at the students who looked their way. Elsa shed the billowing black cloak and circled the gladiator, admiring the way his muscles curved over his frame. She swung her lithe legs over his shoulders without preamble and took a seat where the nape of his neck met the tops of his shoulders. Large, warm callused hands firmly grasped the tops of her knees and he shot to his feet, a swooping sensation of two distinctly different feelings clashing in her abdomen. She withdrew her willowy wand from where she had it tucked in her indecently low riding waistband.

"Crixus."

"YES DOMINA."

"You will be a steed of many kinds for me. First a battle steed, and then a different one later."

"YES DOMINA."

"First, I need you to go that way." She pointed in the direction she had been previously traveling in.

"AS DOMINA WISHES."

The Gladiator lurched into motion with great haste, and students shouted to her from her lofty perch. They rushed past an open courtyard that was covered in sticky, goopy, coffee bean scented mud full of writhing bodies and gangster rap. That infamous American rapper Snoop Dogg was in attendance floating on a purple cloud of marijuana smoke, blabbering about shizzling people's nizzles while holding a blunt tightly in his teeth that looked suspiciously like a carrot. The students ran alongside them and clambered for her attention, reaching out and brushing their hands all over the thundering Gaul and her legs. The blonde felt rather important, and brandished her willowy wand to the vaulted ceiling with great grandeur.

"Elsa! Please impart your wisdom to us!"

"Listen well, douchcanoes!" A deafening bang exploded from the end of her wand and a rainbow of sparks and confetti rained down around them.

"I like my broccoli manly! Gritty with lots of dirt!"

A cheer rose up around them as the pack moved down the seemingly endless hall. Another voice called above the cacophony.

"One more! Please!"

"Very well!" Another bang and explosion of sparks and confetti. "I like my men and women like I like my turtles! Helpless when they're on their back!"

The cheer rose to a roar and _finally_ her Gladiator-Steed leapt out into the sun and raced across a huge courtyard. Anna and Kristoff appeared next to them covered in mud and almost nothing else except for their tutus that were now rather droopy. Anna was riding Kristoff's shoulders, and the both of them gave the Gaul enthusiastic high-fives.

"Status update!" Elsa barked.

"We won the mud party! I think I want to meet Kristoff's parents!"

Elsa grabbed a hold of Crixus's forehead and reared back, slowing him to a grinding halt. Sweat poured off his body and his shoulders were seductively slick under her thighs and rear. The thought that she wished she was straddling him the opposite direction clanged through her mind without apology. Kristoff had stopped just as quickly and Anna was pressing her muddy hands high on the tops of the blonde's thighs, a pout pulling ridiculously at her lips when she noticed her sister's blatant displeasure. She thrust out her bare, mud-smeared chest in an attempt to win the blonde's approval, despite being her sibling. Elsa valiantly tried not to look and just barely succeeded.

"Noooo you can't do that, his parents are there. Are you just gonna be all "_Hi, I'm the girl fucking your son, can I get a cheeseburger?_"

"His parents are chill! Come on, you can come too! Cheeseburgers for everyone!"

"_FINE._"

"Good! 'Cause if not, I was gonna start singing _LET IT GOOOO LET IT GO. DON'T LET THINGS YOU CAN'T CONTROL GIVE YOU WOEEE."_

Elsa frowned when the red head bellowed the odd ditty in her face and huffed. She took her free hand, planted it directly in her sister's face, and pushed hard enough to force the filthy pair back a few paces.

"Enough of this! The pudding monsters are upon us!"

Sure enough, the clear blue sky was filled with giant purple pudding monsters and fluffy pink and yellow lemonade clouds. The red head produced a wand similar to Elsa's and held it aloft as Kristoff peeled off in a wild gallop, calling other students to arms. The blonde charged on, waving her wand into an intricate pattern in front of her. Fabric shimmered and flashed, transforming her skimpy sailor uniform into an armored skimpy sailor uniform with a billowing blue cape. She raised her wand again and bellowed as loud as she could;

"_PURPLEDICKUS ERECTUS!"_

With an ear-splitting roar and storm of purple rain, her wand throbbed and stretched and pulled into a three-foot elastic dildo on a hefty handle. Around her, students rose up with similar 'weapons' and charged, leaping into the air and onto brooms and the backs of dragon professors or on inventions of their own design from bicycles to skateboards to flying carpets. Elsa raised her flopping indecent appendage and thrust it forward valiantly.

"_FOR THE NIGHT IS DARK AND FULL OF TERRORS, BUT NO MORE!"_

And she was in the fray! Swinging left and right, up and down, all around in an efficient windmill of dildo death. No longer was she Elsa the magnificent student, now… she was _The Penetrator_. Purple pudding monsters roared and bellowed as they were torn apart with lewd squelches and sharp smacks. From her right, the unmistakable sound of Brunhilde's call echoed about the battlefield in the sky.

"_YO TO HO TOOOOOOO!_"

Hans rose majestically next to her on the Headmaster's back, still clad in his Speedo and tutu but now with the addition of a fitted bra that ended in mini machine gun barrels. In his hands he twirled a bright orange double-ended contraption that would have made a multitude of porn stars apprehensive. He saluted to her with his 'weapon' and flew in formation beside her and the running-on-air gladiator.

"I am now of being called Hans-hilde! This battle I will fight for you!" He called in a politically incorrect exaggeration of his German accent.

"Hans! Stop messing around and fight!" The blonde grumped.

The man's face turned pink to match his tutu and he bellowed out in song:

"_They call me dick!_

_They call ass-hole,_

_They call me him!_

_They call me lame!_

_That's not my name!_

_That's not my name!"_

Elsa rolled her eyes dramatically as he called out a resounding _Yo To Ho To!_ again before soaring up into the clouds, _thwaking_ sounds echoing in his wake. The battle raged on and the blonde began to wonder if it would ever end. Familiar faces wove in and out of her vision amidst different hues of purple. At the back of her mind she could hear Anna calling her, trying to catch her attention.

"Not now, you fiery-headed strumpet!"

The calling continued and Elsa became more incensed that her sister was attempting to distract her.

"Can't you see I'm fighting-"

* * *

"Elsa!"

"_Pudding?!_"

Anna jumped a little on her perch on the arm of Elsa's chair, a bemused expression tugging at the corners of her lips and crinkling her eyes. The business student was slouched so low in her seat her chin was jammed into her sternum and her rear was half off the edge, her long legs curled oddly against the table.

"Weird dream?" She asked, biting back a laugh at the rumpled blonde's bewildered gaze.

"Where am I?"

"_Petit…_?" Her brow furrowed. "Elsa… Are you okay? Gerda called me when you didn't wake up for over an hour. You shouldn't push yourself so hard."

"_How_ long did I sleep…?"

Anna checked her phone. "Maybe two? It's quarter til five."

The blonde grimaced at the time lost and slowly pulled herself up into a more upright position, huffing when her back popped in protest. Elsa picked up the cardboard coffee cup in one hand and warily studied the cooled contents. Her eyes moved sluggishly to the piles of notes and flash cards covering her lap and then moved back to the coffee cup.

"What is _in_ this?!"

"Apparently drugs. C'mon, lets get you home."

"But Anna, I still have so much more material to go over…"

"And I'm tired of your giant fur baby chewing up all of Olaf's toys! I've had to buy him two new bones this past month alone because Shep is so chewy."

"Sorry… I'll buy you a few?"

Anna sighed heavily and stood up, a gentle smile softening her freckled features. "Just come get your giant shedding machine and stay for dinner. Okay? I think your brain is telling you that it's had enough for today."

"Okay, okay…" Elsa relented and quickly gathered her materials into her leather satchel.

The sisters bundled back up and Elsa paid for her coffee on the way out the door, promising Gerda that she would be back soon. The sisters stepped out into the dreary grey weather and popped open their umbrellas, navy and floral respectively. They trudged on in silence for a few moments before Anna's curiosity finally got the better of her.

"Why were you dreaming about pudding?"

"Uh… You… don't wanna know."

"Oh come on, I tell you my weird dreams still!"

Elsa couldn't help but huff air out through her nose in exasperation and ball her lips over her teeth. Anna's blue eyes were twinkling expectantly under her pageboy cap and the blonde gave in easier than she would have liked.

"Well for some reason, I was wearing this ridiculous sailor outfit in the Hogwarts library…"


End file.
